Comfort

I have really great friends.

And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin'

My second (and possibly final*) school application is due tomorrow. It's complete, generally-- but I'm waiting for one more letter of recommendation to come in the mail. It was supposed to come in today, but it hasn't. I've been relatively calm all day, but I can feel the uneasiness starting to trickle in now that I'm alone...

I had a good shift at Starbucks, and was enticed by all the icing sugar on our lemon poppy seed loaves. Spotting a warped one, I showed it to Ben, hoping he'd say I could eat it we could sample it.

INSTEAD HE GRABBED IT INTO HIS FIST AND CRUSHED IT WITH HIS BRUTE FORCE.

The third picture is what I did to him:



I was genuinely shocked!!

---

"When Will My Life Begin?" from the Tangled soundtrack has been on repeat all day. I want to watch that movie again, it was so lovely.

Also: Nightmare Before Christmas is playing for free at the Bell Lightbox on February 21st! And there's a rumor that McDonald's is giving away free biscuit breakfast sandwiches on the 10th and 11th...!!

---

*I was going to apply to some colleges as a backup, but am unsure if there's a point...

The Process of Balance and Fine Tuning

I know this is sort of new age/hippie-ish, but I subscribe to DailyOm newsletters and I actually read them. I like them because it's usually a short blurb about focusing yourself, and not succumbing to the pressure of daily life. I was sent one recently and it particularly spoke to me: "Temporarily Out of Balance".

"In the process of becoming, we are always developing and fine tuning one or the other of our many qualities, and it is a natural part of this process that things tend to get out of balance. This may be upsetting to us, or the people around us, but we can trust that it’s a normal part of the work of self-development."

Applying for grad school has certainly upset my balance. Graduating in June with my BA upset my balance. As I've been told, this is an important transitional stage of my life. I hear that a lot, but it's only in small moments like this where I actually understand what that actually means.

But reading this newsletter has taken the edge off of things. It's okay to be stressed. That's all I ever need to hear-- not "You'll get it done!" but that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. That acceptance allows me to move on from things, to let the difficult moment pass.

Balancing is an adjustment process, and I know I felt anxiety over the fact that once this application is in, I won't suddenly be carefree. But reading that newsletter made me remember that that's okay, and not to worry about what other people think about how I'm coping with things. I've felt pressure while working on this application-- feeling bad about taking time off of work, or not being able to see friends for dinner (or worse, seeing them anyways out of guilt), or just emotionally investing myself into other people when I should only be focusing on myself right now.

I've been listening to the Glee cover of "Taking Chances" all day...

what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping off the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay...



Having more of my detox broccoli arugula soup, and yes that's my application beside it. I feel a lot calmer than I did two hours ago. Having a delicious meal that I made myself just adds to the solid feeling of capability I'm finally getting a grasp of...

Valentine's Day

I know it's a little bit early but...



I am so, so excited for it.

Some people say it's just another holiday created by the greeting card companies but... in the world we live today, couldn't we use a holiday dedicated to love? It's like the opening from Love, Actually:

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

If anything, holidays are a great moment to appreciate the people in your life. "You can appreciate anyone anytime." Yes, but do we? We all get busy, distracted. Holidays are a great opportunity to pause. And Valentine's Day is a moment to pause and to give love. Even when I was single, I still loved Valentine's Day. I spent one year with one of my best friends-- and despite the fact we were single, we weren't miserable. We had a great friendship, and life was still amazing because of that.

Can't wait!!

Gwyneth Paltrow's Broccoli and Arugula Soup

I started the day with room temperature lemon water, and then my usual smoothie. My jaw's still throbbing, and I'm really scared about visiting a new dentist tomorrow. To soothe my nerves I tackled Gwyneth Paltrow's detox broccoli and arugula soup. My friend Jennie actually made some today too, after I showed her the link! I was strangely excited...

But yes, I'm terrified about my appointment tomorrow, and I'm going all by myself. I do have something to cheer myself up with, though! My friend Steven came and dropped by my store, and brought me something that makes me really happy:



ELDERFLOWER WATER AHHH!!!!



Thanks Steven :D

Now I'm off to workout so that I don't sit at my desk trembling with fear all night.

Update: Mario's coming with me to the dentist after all! That makes me feel much better ♥

Rough Day

As Cameron from Modern Family would say, I'm in a really dark space right now.

Just kidding, although today was very taxing.

This morning I woke up feeling a throbbing in my left jaw. I got all four wisdom teeth taken out in October, and three of them have healed normally-- but the fourth one, the impacted one, has been a nightmare. Despite how anal I am about oral hygiene, the fourth one still got infected about a month ago. I had to go get it treated by my oral surgeon who has some of the worst bedside manner I've ever seen...

I remember reading him up on RateMDs.com before, and some people said they felt like guinea pigs being experimented on by a mad scientist. I am inclined to agree.

So my jaw pain brought on emotional pain (trauma) as well as physical pain. Determined to avoid the dentist, I was gurgling hot salt water in a rage all morning and scrubbing at my tooth with a sulca brush, and then pseudo injecting the area with a plastic syringe filled with mouth wash. The pain seemed to go away for a while but is back...


Being a sick turd

The weather was treacherous and I felt like fainting during my shift at Starbucks the whole time. It didn't help that I was late and ran to the store. My lungs and throat couldn't take running through that bitter cold and dry air, and my throat still feels raw and bloody. /tmi


Spaghetti with wild mushrooms, arugula, prosciutto and parmesan.

I finally got home and made myself dinner. I didn't cook with the same enjoyment I normally do--my movements felt robotic. But in the end I did feel better. I guess the action of doing something nice, and something that's entirely for myself was what lessened the edge a bit.



Then I ate three blood oranges, one of my favorite fruits.

I feel like I need to lie down now though. I wish I had fresh cut flowers. Ultimately though, what would make me happy right now is a hug. :( I was good today though, by not letting the physical pain morph into an entirely emotional one. Although the physical pain was definitely taxing enough to wear me down, at least I don't feel entirely lost right now.

Update: lol I went to look up my oral surgeon's bad reviews and I think he had them removed somehow... Now only positive ones are left, except for the most recent one:

"I am not happy with the filling work that was done. not sure why my post was removed."

and

"Very knowledgeable dentist, however sensitivity to patients' feelings and needs to be improved."

Aww, the mad scientist one is gone! :(

Detox down the drain and dreamin' a little dream

On my way home from Starbucks I was listening to Deerhunter's "Basement Scene". Songs like that make me want to slow dance. Work was nice, also because I was visited by Steven, Ramy and Cris.


I am embarrassed (slash not embarrassed at all) to admit that I enjoy this very much. It's in my building's elevator right now.

I finally saw Tangled with Mario today, and it did not disappoint. Lunch was at McDonald's! So much for the pseudo detox... Health really does make me happy though, and it's definitely part of my happiness project. But indulging and not feeling bad about junk food is also part of it.



I'm really excited about McDonald's biscuit breakfast sandwiches. I've heard great things about the Tim Horton's version, and I guess McDonald's is doing this to compete? Either way, Mario said he'd go with me for breakfast this week to compare the two. We'd be "breakfast connoisseurs". :)







I did feel the faintest twinge of guilt over the fact we had a Big Mac meal each, and split a 6-piece nuggets. But we sat by the window and it was sunny and bright, and the Big Mac was just as yummy as I hoped it would be (unlike that Harvey's fiasco the other night). So it was worth it, absolutely.



We came home after and read Calvin and Hobbes together a bit before I had to go to work.



But back to McDonald's-- this is Big Mac sauce in a cup. This is what makes my boyfriend happy. One person's joy is another person's fear.

...Detox? ...Day 3 or something?

So instead of drinking pee i had some monkey poo instead. yum yum yum NOM nom

That's what my boyfriend wrote while I left to get some pineapple from the kitchen.

Today the pseudo detox didn't start off as well, but that's because I had to run out the door this morning instead of spending the day at home. Instead of having a glass of lemon water, then the herbal tea an hour later, and then a smoothie, I downed the lemon water in two goes and then gulped down my smoothie.

It was much better today though,  despite the protein powder. I added spinach to the usual mix and it helped a lot.



Then we went with his family to see Don Carlo (they had it playing at SilverCity, recorded from The Met), which is about five hours... Naturally at intermission we went and got New York Fries. Then for dinner his dad served garlic chicken with a mountain of polenta, which was delicious but definitely not what Gwyneth Paltrow had in mind. Of course, I couldn't resist having an Oreo ice cream sandwich for dessert.


I wasn't supposed to be in the picture...

Sigh, I have no self control. I guess this detox, turned pseudo-detox, will just become healthy eating? I actually tracked my meals today at Livestrong.com to see how bad I was, and I'm actually not far off.

I don't have much longer until my second application for school is due, but I'm trying my best to just enjoy these days off--to relax, and have fun. That's what this year was supposed to be about, it's why I only applied to Starbucks for a job. I only applied to two places: Starbucks, and a non-profit organization. No others. And those are currently the two places I invest my time in.

So now I'm off to watch some Supernatural, and to try to resist a second helping of polenta...

My boyfriend is now trying to convince me to change what I wrote after his pee-ing fiasco, to contextualize it--or to make his satirical wit more apparent. "It sounds crazy!"

Yes, yes it does.

Raspberry Thumbprint Cookies

The other day I tried a delicious raspberry thumbprint cookie from Pusateri's, and was inspired to make my own. The recipe I tried is from the Food Network, and I'm really happy with the results: not too sweet, buttery and light with an amazing burst of tart raspberry (although I can't take credit for that part--it's the amazingness of the jam I love using).


My favorite jam brand.


Baking in my toaster oven because I was too lazy to clear out the big oven.


I coated the outsides in toasted almonds. (Yes, I did a poor job...)





Ingredients

* 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
* 3/4 cup unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), softened
* 2/3 cup sugar, plus more for rolling
* 1 large egg
* 1/2 vanilla bean, seeds scraped from pod, or 1/8 teaspoon vanilla bean paste or 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
* 1/3 cup raspberry, cherry or strawberry jam

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone mats.

Whisk the flour, baking powder and salt together in a bowl.

In another bowl, whip the butter and the sugar with a hand-held mixer until fluffy, about 5 minutes. Beat in the egg and vanilla until just combined. Slowly beat in the dry ingredients in 2 additions, mixing just until incorporated.

Scoop the dough into 1-inch balls with a cookie or ice cream scoop and roll in sugar. Place about 2-inches apart on the prepared baking sheets. Press a thumbprint into the center of each ball, about 1/2-inch deep. Fill each indentation with about 3/4 teaspoon jam.

Bake cookies until the edges are golden, about 15 minutes. (For even color, rotate the pans from top to bottom about halfway through baking.) Cool cookies on the baking sheets. Serve.

Store cookies in a tightly sealed container for up to 5 days.

Day 2 of Pseudo Detox

Still watching Supernatural, sipping on Dulce & Banana tea from David's Tea.

I have a smoothie with almond milk/blueberry/banana/protein powder lined up.



Honestly, my smoothie from the other day was much better-- this powder is gross. But I'm drinking it for the health benefits, and it guilted me into doing a mat work out.

Detox

As I've mentioned before, I've been sick and under the weather.

Which is why I'd love to do Gwyneth's Paltrow's detox. I like that it involves actual food, instead of just juice or maple syrup water (I hear you hallucinate on the Master Cleanse?)

For now though, I don't think I can commit to it completely. Especially since my day today started with two fried eggs covered in parmesan cheese and peameal bacon-- courtesy of my boyfriend's father.

But yesterday I indulged in instant noodles and a Harvey's cheeseburger (which, sadly, wasn't as nearly delicious as I remembered it being... although I really liked the onion rings. Those were worth it.) so I promised myself to be good for this next week.

Since I'm staying home sick, I was able to plan out my meals easily. After getting home from his place, I had a cup of herbal tea (The Skinny from David's Tea), and then a smoothie (banana, almond milk, avocado, blueberries and spinach), and then miso soup with mushrooms and spinach. I made sure to put the miso paste at the end and to not let it boil-- or else you lose most of its nutrients.


Image from Goop

My mom's fixing me dinner right now-- ginger chicken, which should be good for my stomach. Had a snack of blueberries, and did an aspirin/honey mask.

I'm hoping to pick up some coconut water and whole almonds so I can commit better to this pseudo detox that I'm doing. I'll need more blueberries and some fish. But I'm poor, so very poor...

Been watching Supernatural all day. :)



But great, a telemarketer just called me--trying to get me to add stuff to my credit card. That makes me unhappy. Especially when I say politely that I'm not interested and busy, please don't call back, and they try to keep saying that they'll call back. The grievances of mundane modern life?

Aghhhh.

Stressed and Ill

Applying for grad school is a really shitty process.

I think I'm particularly affected by it because statements like "You'll get it done!" or even "You'll do great!" don't really help. It's not the outcome that scares me (for now-- I wouldn't be surprised if that came later), it's the process itself. It's the pressure of having one shot to do your best.

Yes, that's life, right? But I don't think those "one shots" in life are this formalized, which is what makes this whole thing so stressful. My friend had a panic attack (a real, have-to-go-to-the-hospital one) while she was working on her apps. My acid reflux has come back due to the pressure, and now that I'm done with App #1 and working on App #2, I can feel the once-dwindling sickness rushing back.

I've had a bit of an ADD reading frenzy over the past 24 hours. I've read pieces from Runner's World Complete Book of Women's Running, Allure's Best of Beauty 2010 and Jennifer Aniston piece, and skimmed through Ad Age.

Got my App #2 pulled together-- just need to write that Statement of Interest now. I've left it alone for now-- enough work for me in such a sick condition.

I can feel my head start to burn. It feels dangerous.

I'm doing some laundry right now (clean sheets and towels [especially Restoration Hardware Turkish towels] make me happy) even though it costs more to use water/energy during the day. I just can't stand the idea of being sick and not sleeping in a fresh, clean bed. Trying not to feel guilty about the additional money.



It's nice to be semi productive, despite feeling under the weather. What would make me happy, though?

Hmm...

Fresh cut flowers, some sort of comfort food that I could actually stomach, a get well card, a walk outside (although I don't know if that's the best idea).

Off to fold laundry now. Really loving Modern Family right now for some reason, will probably watch an old episode while I do that. Hope I don't pass out. :/

:)

Vogue

Me, Jennie

Photobooths make me happy, whether it's on my iMac, at the Drake Hotel, or at TNA (although I don't shop there). There used to be an old school one in the Eaton Center, but when Jennie and I went to it, there was literally only a hole left in the wall.

No Words

Jennie





Graham








Cafe Nervosa, David's Tea, Victoria's Secret, Hemingway's, etc...

<3

Sometimes a cup of water is all you need

Lots of little happy things to update on. But for now, it's this:

I've been stressed. Had a lot to think about and ended up hitting the treadmill for what turned out to be a difficult run. Arrived at Sbux for my shift and drank my smoothie too fast :( so I needed warm water. Crumpled over, I walked through the door onto the main floor and asked for a cup. At first they said "Oh shit, Ingrid's sick too?" (Everyone's been falling ill). When I told them it wasn't that sort of sick, they were relieved-- but then a customer came into the store. I thought my co-workers would (naturally and rightfully) serve that person first before helping me, but instead one said to the other "cmon we have to get water for the baby"-- with just the right amount of mockery and warmth. Then they both started fake whimper/coughing and I felt loved.

Eric came in while I was writing this on my phone in the back room and scared me with a loud surprise fake cough. I feel a very sibling like affection with some of the people I work with.

9 Months

Today is my boyfriend and I's 9 month anniversary. We spent last night together past midnight- but I honestly forgot about it until the clock struck 12. I don't know what made me remember, I wasn't being particularly reflective.... it just dawned on me. So yesterday was happy, we just had jerk chicken (yes, more of that), did some work, watched a bit of the Leafs game. I subjected him to a variety of teas and kept nudging the little cup towards him so that he'd finish it. I like how he humors my little insanities.

Still worried about my school application. I nearly had a mini attack today when I thought my professor wasn't having office hours tomorrow-- I thought I had mixed up the days he was there, and was already making backup plans when I realized I hadn't made a mistake after all.

So, what's making me happy today? Well I'm trying to be healthy for the next 2-3 weeks. I think that's a realistic time frame to be strict with myself, but it's already failing a bit. Is it? I have no gauge as to whether or not I'm being healthy enough. I nearly caved into McNuggets today but had a chicken asparagus wrap instead. Still unsure as to how healthy that was (it sounds healthy, but didn't taste healthy...)

Had a Luna bar for breakfast-- I'm trying them out for a while again. I tried the lemon zest, it was amazing! It was like a delicious blondie vanilla square with icing sugar on top-- not too sweet, not too lemony, and not artificial tasting. Definitely going to pick up some more eventually.



It made my morning! Then someone I work with said something nice to me, that was another plus. :)

I want to run to Cheryl Cole's "Messy Little Raindrops" album but I think it'll be too late by the time I get to the gym... might have to make due with Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I should be having dinner with my friend Samya, so that'll be lovely. I'm also going to visit the College Park Winners after work today.

All about doing the things that make me smile!

Promise This & Health

Growing up as an Asian girl has made me conscious of my figure and my eating habits. When I was a child, I would often hear comments about weight in numbers and who had recently gotten fat.

Thankfully, due to good friends and less outrageous family members, I've grown up without going totally insane. By God, I do love my food. Today, my breakfast was a thick delicious slice of white toast smothered in peanut butter and blackberry jam. I followed it up with a banana since they were all rapidly turning brown. Lunch was a spicy tofu Korean stew with a mountain of rice (I also ate all of the appetizer - a green onion pancake). At work I had a chocolate smoothie to avoid food until dinner, but ended up eating a huge hunk of lemon poppy seed loaf anyways. Then for dinner I had half a steak, brown sugar carrots and a huge bowl of French onion soup.

And then two more bowls as a late night snack.

So yes, I'm hardly delicate about my food. It's one of the things that contribute to my happiness. But on days like today, it gets to a point where I'm no longer happy, and I only feel guilty.

Which is why I'd like to read "The End of Overeating" by former FDA commissioner David Kessler. The reality of my reading it is debatable, though. :\ The idea was that, by reading the book, I would have a healthier perspective on food instead of compulsively keeping track of everything. I do eat mindlessly, and if I'm eating with intention I shouldn't feel bad about it later. I honestly will probably do what I always do though: work out.

But today I felt woozy and didn't want to work out. I wanted to sleep, but since (again) I hadn't done enough work on my school application, I forced myself to work out so that I would have been slightly productive day.

I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred on Level 1 while Cheryl Cole's "Promise This" music video played in the background. She's so pretty, and I love how elegant she looks when she's in her ballerina get up.



It inspires me to buy things, unfortunately though.

So now I feel good, had a lovely hot shower (one of my favorite things) and moisturized properly. I'm really trying to take care of myself, one step at a time.

I feel like drinking a million gallons of water though after all that sodium today. The only reason my head isn't under the tap is because I'm afraid of getting up to pee all night.

I hope I don't get tired of "Promise This" until the next time I hit the treadmill. It's so hard to run when I don't have a song I'm really into.

Also sprayed Clean's Provence perfume on my pillow again. I love that sweet lemon soap scent.

Mmmm... I'm happy.

The Little Things

It's 1:40 AM and I should be sleeping, only because one of my new year's resolutions was to sleep earlier. But I just started reading (skimming) Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" and it's inspired me to start my own. My objective is to ensure that I'm doing something everyday to make myself happy. So let's start:

Today I sprayed my pillows and self with CLEAN Provence eau de parfum before going to bed. It's something nice to snuggle into while falling asleep.



I also ran on the treadmill. It was hard-- I didn't feel as superhero-y as I have in the past, but I didn't beat myself up over it. I think getting back into running will make me happier, but I have to make sure I don't feel contractually obligated to run. I will accept that it's okay if I don't.

Ate the rest of the jerk chicken I made the other day. It was nice to cook, and I'm glad I was inspired by Ryan and Jason to make it.



They went on and on about how amazing their jerk chicken wings were while I was at the office, and it sounded too good to pass up. I added a bit of lemon juice, honey and soy sauce like the website said. Super super spicy, but I definitely want to make them again. I think I need to cook like that more often - just to experiment and have fun, instead of feeling like I'm catering towards someone. I do that a lot. I also enjoyed the fact that it was something I wanted to do, and I put it into action quickly. I need to do that more often, it also gives me a sense of control which is something I feel that I lack in my life.

One of my school applications is due on Friday. I'm stressed about it, although it's not really a mental stress which is surprising. I can feel my body reacting to the situation though. It's bizarre, I've never been so physically affected by an emotional situation before. Trying not to beat myself up for not working on it right now. Also trying to stay calm about the situation, and to not be afraid of failure. As Rubin says, "If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough".