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Music

I was in a rut. I blamed it on the fact that I needed to be saving money, but I was really wasting my summer days. I spent the last few weeks watching all three seasons of White Collar. While Matt Bomer is cute, the show isn't particularly gripping... but there I was, mindlessly letting the calendar pages fly.

Then today, suddenly, I somehow found this great music mix http://gigawattdesign.com/tunes/1.1.html

Suddenly I appreciated the sunny weather, the clean white walls of my apartment, the antique crystal chandelier, the beauty of having a day off alone at home.

I felt no inclination to fill up my social calendar. Instead, I did exactly what I wanted to do. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich. I had a PB&J as my dessert for that meal. I defrosted a few slabs of thickly sliced bacon so that I could make bacon carbonara later tonight.

I read a book by my old philosophy professor, Mark Kingwell, and now I'm off to flip through some risk management articles. I finally WANT to read them.

I love days like today. So beautiful and relaxed.

lucky like a clover

What happened to updating? I suppose it's been only a month since I last updated... this blog was supposed to be for myself anyways, no?

So what's been making me happy recently?

Going to Buffalo, NY with my friend Alex was great... not necessarily because of what I stocked up on at Target (and how excited I was at how much cheaper everything was)...



...but because it was a fun, breezy girl's day. You know?

I participated in Kiehl's 7 Day Challenge, and so far I'm pretty happy with the serums.



I don't think I can afford their $80 Powerful Strength Line Reducing concentrate, even with their $15 off offer... but my goal this summer is to take better care of my skin (i.e. water and sunscreen - even though my SPF 55 peels off of my skin oddly...)

There was a spontaneous night at the Drake Hotel, and thankfully my friend Amy tagged along so I wouldn't be the only girl going. I love their old fashioned photobooth:



And as always, my beloved peonies are in season. The sight of peonies literally soothes my soul and heart.



On my balcony, there's a cute little garden going... I found the first baby strawberry of the year. It was so darling. I picked it so I wouldn't find it attacked by bugs the next day.



Have been able to meet up with my best friend Shobi more often. Recently went to Mercatto together, and another time we went to Little India where I got henna done. It's just so nice to do different things like that.





I'm pretty sure La Palette is still my favorite brunch place in Toronto, but Frank at the AGO was outstanding. I went with my friend Jen and it was such a nice time. I loved their goat cheese carrot souffle - I'm very picky about breakfast food, and it hit the spot. Plus, they had a giant display of peonies when I walked in (I swear I'm not biased). The whole vibe was very cool though, I have to go back again soon!



I guess to top off my "recent faves", I recently had a wonderful low key evening with my friends Ramy and Matei. We just shopped around, and then finished the night with some red wine, Julie & Julia, chocolate, wine, and silly chatter.



Have to keep filling my summer with these happy memories! I'm trying to avoid imagining the brutality of the next Canadian winter.

Quick note

Today was a good productive day:

Had work 7a-12p
Met Alex for lunch at Raa-- new Japanese restaurant I've been dying to try. Amazing! So cute.
We went to Winners, then Shoppers (I was a little too excited, buying a new razor. Listen, they're expensive okay? Mine was, like, half off and pink. No shame.) then hit up Fairview Mall while catching up.
Then I met my friend Graham at Futures for dessert (ate a giant slab of Butterscotch Crunch cake), then Samya came. She and I grabbed tea at Aroma, then went to BMV where I bought a book of poems by Pablo Neruda and a cookbook for my mom.
Read half of the Neruda anthology on the way home.
Worked out, had a post workout snack (carrots and hummus, and an orange)
Then saw the new prom episode of Glee.

Sleep now!

Only downside is that tickets to France went from $1212 to $1560 :(

Back

Sometimes the littlest thing will throw me off track. For the last few days, I've felt so insecure and lost.

But it was the littlest thing that got me back on the right course. I feel good now. Things are in perspective, and I think (for the first time) I'm finally excited about what's to come.

Annnnd for some reason my right hand has gone numb and is filled with pins and needles.

The Future and Being 22

I had reached the point in my worry where it had started to manifest itself physically. I don't mean that I began to have headaches, or even migraines. I had symptoms so bizarre that my cool-as-a-cucumber doctor was amazed. I had symptoms that were supposedly exclusive to those with cystic fibrosis.

And I obviously couldn't continue living like that. So I started thinking. And I got better-- not 100%, but better. I think a lot, too much at times, but I try to be as self reflective as possible. I want to be the best version of myself, always.

(Even now, I just had a pang in my stomach - probably some stress).

Despite my improvement though, I needed further help. My mother and Mario suggested seeing a nutritionist for more naturopathic advice, but I'd like to argue that I eat quite well-- lots of fruit, whole grains, etc.

So late one night recently, I ordered two books from Amazon.ca. One was "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie.

I'm only on Chapter 2, but he talks about accepting the worse: "...acceptance of what has happened is the first step in overcoming the consequences of misfortune." It seems obvious, but it's easy to forget this when one is plagued and boggled by stress.

So here's my situation:

I applied to two schools for graduate studies. It was a stressful process-- and if I did it again, perhaps it wouldn't be so stressful. But as the book quotes David Seabury: "We come to maturity with as little preparation for the pressures of experience as a bookworm asked to do a ballet."

In retrospect I'm sure it will all seem a breeze, but I had already predicted this. It didn't make the present process any easier, because it was all so new to me, and I felt so lost and unguided.

But now that my applications are in, I'm trying to overcome my present anxieties. Laurier has accepted me into their program, but Ryerson has yet to decide. I was incredibly worried over the fact that Laurier was expecting a decision before Ryerson would have made up their mind.

But the worst case scenario is that I will have gotten into one school with an entrance scholarship-- which was actually increased after speaking with the director. It's not that I want to go to Ryerson particularly yet, I haven't honestly decided where I want to go. I know that's not why I'm so worried. I'm worried about the blow to my ego, I'm worried about feeling not good enough. Shouldn't everyone want me?

So I need to overcome this. I think saying it out loud to someone will make me feel better. That'll be my next step. The worst case scenario is far from bad, so hopefully my body will realize this soon enough.

Staying True

Often I've been told to start a YouTube channel, or to write a serious blog. What I mean by serious is that I should be writing about relevant things - things that would attract traffic, like restaurant reviews, etc. And while I certainly have my strong opinions about food, the whole purpose of my happy blog was to not have to worry about what others thought.

I often struggle with finding balance. You obviously have to push yourself in order to grow, and not get comfortable. But at the same time, I don't want to spend my entire life striving for the future. I want to be happy with my present as well. In terms of my career, I try to keep tabs on what I need to get where I want to go. But (and there always seems to be that "but") I'm so young, don't I have my whole life to figure that out? Isn't that the big problem with people in their 20s-- trying to have everything figured out right away? I've been told by my older friends that you try and try so hard, but you never end up where you think you will, so you might as well not kill yourself over it. I'm trying to listen to that advice.



Yesterday was my one year anniversary with Mario. There were many culinary adventures, and part of me thought "Oh I should write about the food in detail. I should practice food writing" and yet, while I love talking about food, I still don't know if I would want a career out of it. And part of me wants to keep our weekend private.

So instead I'm just going to post some of the photo booth pictures we took at a subway station, all the David's Tea I bought (Toasted Walnut, Quangzhou Milk Oolong, Secret Weapon, Organic Pu'erh Ginger, and Fantasy Island), and a book I found while we were looking in the bargain section of Book City.

I'm trying to ask myself "Why am I doing this?" before I act nowadays. If it's purely because I feel obligated to, or for others, then I try my best not to. And so, this is all I'll be sharing for now :)

Videos

If I'm trying to figure out and seek happiness in this project, then this is a key discovery... I LOVE this video, it makes me feel so squishy and warm inside and I just want to cuddle up when I see it.

It really cheered me up after I watched Spike Jonze's short film, "I'm here": http://www.imheremovie.com. Cool effort, but I felt this horrible crushed and helpless feeling after watching it.

Jason Wu Fall 2011 Collection

Pretty.

I also really love J. Mendel's Spring 2011 collection - more so, actually, but I'm too lazy to paste pictures. Plus I love the whole show.

Lucky

As I've mentioned, I was in the process of applying for my MA...

So a few days ago, I was milling about the house when I noticed a new e-mail: an early acceptance from Laurier with an entrance scholarship!!! I was so excited!! I'm still waiting to hear from Ryerson, but it's such a giant relief.

I do get a bit peeved when people say "See? What were you stressed about?" I understand the sentiment, so I'm not mad, but I kept articulating that I was stressed about the process-- rather than being stressed about the outcome. And even if I was stressed about the outcome, how would my current success have prevented me from being stressed in the time when I had no idea what my chances were?

Anyways, I've been burning out from two jobs... It'll be at least another month of feeling over worked. Today's my first day off in a while, and it was really nice. It's really important to recharge your batteries and to get your down time.



Mario and I went for a Timmie's run-- I got my bagel and we played roll up the rim. I WON A DONUT I was so happy.

Spontaneously I suggested we buy a scratch card, and so we meticulously went through a Bingo card. We could have scratched the whole thing very efficiently, but I liked that we took our time sitting outside of Shoppers, being so careful.



$12!!! Even the gas station attendant was impressed when we went to collect it. Before we scratched it, and before we rolled our rims, I made M hold hands while we thought about all the good things that have been happening to us, and what we're fortunate to have.

I think I should do that more often. When I'm upset, it's easy to let everything sort of cave in. It's natural, but then on the flip side, if I'm happy, I should try to let all the happy moments collect together as well.

In the mean time, I'm struggling with how to treat my finances. On one hand, I'm still paying off my last trip to Vietnam. On the other hand, I'm young and this is my only opportunity to be "irresponsible" with money. And that's one of my new resolutions, to be a little more carefree-- even if it means being a bit irresponsible. I'm only young once.

Spring is coming

There's so much I want to write about! I want to write about my Winterlicious dinner at Auberge de Pommier, I want to write about a lovely breakfast I had with Mario--as well as our Valentine's Day, my thoughts about school and work, myself, and all these little fun incidents I've had over the past few days. It all keeps piling up!

For now though...

I've been spinning with my friend Jen at Quad Spin and it's been really great to take a class again. I still miss my beloved hot yoga at Moksha, but this is a really nice change of pace.

After spinning with Jen today, I met my friend Jennie for dinner at Kit Kat, an Italian restaurant on King West.



They had osso bucco-- a dish my mother had recently made that I really enjoyed. Obviiiiously I couldn't pass up the chance to try it "professionally" made, so I ordered it (despite being really tempted by one of the daily specials: goat cheese agnolotti with roasted corn, tomatoes etc...). Overall I really liked it. The meat was tender, the marrow was a wonderful, the tomato flavor was bright, and they gave me the perfect amount of fettucine to go with everything. My only complaint was that the dish was a quite oily (There were big pools of it by the end), but the atmosphere of the restaurant itself was really lovely. Jennie ordered their fusilli with a cream sauce, and to my surprise it was so nice and light. I usually avoid cream sauces because they're so heavy, but the bite I tried from her plate was pretty good.

Another little thing that makes me happy: sharing food, or sampling food from other people. Breaking bread and all that right?

Speaking of bread (what a convenient segue), I have been craving/enjoying bagels from Tim Horton's for breakfast. It reminds me of my weekend in St. Kitts for some reason.



However, I think the emotional craving has been satisfied. Now I just notice that by starting my morning with white carbs, I feel off for the rest of the day. I think I'm going back to my protein shake tomorrow morning.

And just a final picture before I sign off on this random update:


[Picture of inside the cafe is from Blogto.com]

My friend Amy took me to a cute dessert place a few days ago: Cafe Princess near Yonge and Finch on the second floor of another restaurant. The fondue we shared was alright, but I'd go just for the environment. It's very girly, though. There's rose print couches everywhere and little white Christmas lights everywhere. It made me happy, having a good girl chat in a place like that. Amy and I both mistook random people as servers though-- I don't think they were pleased. Uniforms!!!

Superbowl Weekend

I'm behind in updating!


Go Packers! With Antoine and Garrett.


So I visited my friend Justin in St. Catherine's last weekend with our friend Antoine, who flew in from Paris. Truthfully it's exactly what I needed.


I am a champ.


It was definitely a taxing weekend on my body-- a lot of junk food and drinking, no sleep, etc. At many points I remember thinking "I feel soooo rough." But despite that, it was an awesome weekend. It tops my weekend in Montreal from two years ago, which was one of the key moments in my life. When I visited Montreal, I wanted to escape myself but ended up finding myself. With St. Kitts, I was reminded of what made me happiest. Working in the service industry hasn't helped, but recently I found myself catering too much to other people's needs. I always figured that I could handle it, and didn't realize how much it was wearing away at me. This past weekend made me realize what I was missing.


Antoine, Rako, Justin and I at London Arms.



The snow was so high everywhere, so picturesque. 


The weekend was full of people who supported me, and did things for me, despite their own schedules or stresses. It was just nice to be so cared for.

--

On a side note:

As I've said, I'm a big fan of Valentine's Day. I've already handed out most of my little drugstore greeting cards. I hope they make other people just as happy!

Checking In

I'm a silly rabbit sometimes.

I guess it all stems from balancing, like that DailyOm article mentioned. While this blog was created to help me find my inner balance, my... outer balance is pretty steady. What do I mean by outer balance? I guess I mean the version of myself that strangers get to meet-- the smiling face, the friendly chatter, the jokes. What I mean to say is that I'm at peace with how I am perceived in general.

In all sincerity, I love that person. She's bright and thoughtful and loving. So what's missing inside? That's what I've been trying to figure out.

People have always been kind to me (I certainly have conflicts and issues... but I'm talking about my general day to day interactions). People have actually been very giving and complimentary to me. But I was raised not to take those comments to heart-- and I understand why, because yes, talk is easy. And I shouldn't get an ego, etc...

But I think I should start listening to them a bit. Because although I love the external me, I feel like the reason my internal self is lacking because I don't allow myself to absorb any of this abundant positivity that's thrown at me.

In an effort to remain humble, I've let my inner self suffer. I smile and am thankful for kind words, and I share my appreciation, but it never really reaches my heart. I should let them.

I had a lovely Skype date with one of my best friends this morning, and I had rolled out of bed and was wearing a lumpy plaid shirt. But he kept remarking how bright I looked, and so today I tried to take the comment to heart.

Old photos of Yuang and I

Our Starbucks delivery guy, who is Spanish, once thought I was Spanish. Now he smiles and calls me Spanish Girl. I know that's not really a compliment, but I guess in that case, I would normally dismiss the connection entirely. But it's nice that he takes the time to be nice, since they are usually so surly.

I get uncomfortable when a compliment lasts too long, and so I guess another thing I'm adding to my list of things to do is to... absorb the good more, instead of relying on myself. I'm proud that I can always pick myself up-- I've done so from very grave situations, but maybe I don't have to pick myself up from the smaller situations. It'd be nice to have a little reserve of positivity on hand. :)



Looking forward to visiting one of my best friends, Justin, in St. Kitts this weekend!!! Our friend Antoine is flying in from France too, and Justin's girlfriend Natalie is coming too. It's the perfect time to go!!

Comfort

I have really great friends.

And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin'

My second (and possibly final*) school application is due tomorrow. It's complete, generally-- but I'm waiting for one more letter of recommendation to come in the mail. It was supposed to come in today, but it hasn't. I've been relatively calm all day, but I can feel the uneasiness starting to trickle in now that I'm alone...

I had a good shift at Starbucks, and was enticed by all the icing sugar on our lemon poppy seed loaves. Spotting a warped one, I showed it to Ben, hoping he'd say I could eat it we could sample it.

INSTEAD HE GRABBED IT INTO HIS FIST AND CRUSHED IT WITH HIS BRUTE FORCE.

The third picture is what I did to him:



I was genuinely shocked!!

---

"When Will My Life Begin?" from the Tangled soundtrack has been on repeat all day. I want to watch that movie again, it was so lovely.

Also: Nightmare Before Christmas is playing for free at the Bell Lightbox on February 21st! And there's a rumor that McDonald's is giving away free biscuit breakfast sandwiches on the 10th and 11th...!!

---

*I was going to apply to some colleges as a backup, but am unsure if there's a point...

The Process of Balance and Fine Tuning

I know this is sort of new age/hippie-ish, but I subscribe to DailyOm newsletters and I actually read them. I like them because it's usually a short blurb about focusing yourself, and not succumbing to the pressure of daily life. I was sent one recently and it particularly spoke to me: "Temporarily Out of Balance".

"In the process of becoming, we are always developing and fine tuning one or the other of our many qualities, and it is a natural part of this process that things tend to get out of balance. This may be upsetting to us, or the people around us, but we can trust that it’s a normal part of the work of self-development."

Applying for grad school has certainly upset my balance. Graduating in June with my BA upset my balance. As I've been told, this is an important transitional stage of my life. I hear that a lot, but it's only in small moments like this where I actually understand what that actually means.

But reading this newsletter has taken the edge off of things. It's okay to be stressed. That's all I ever need to hear-- not "You'll get it done!" but that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. That acceptance allows me to move on from things, to let the difficult moment pass.

Balancing is an adjustment process, and I know I felt anxiety over the fact that once this application is in, I won't suddenly be carefree. But reading that newsletter made me remember that that's okay, and not to worry about what other people think about how I'm coping with things. I've felt pressure while working on this application-- feeling bad about taking time off of work, or not being able to see friends for dinner (or worse, seeing them anyways out of guilt), or just emotionally investing myself into other people when I should only be focusing on myself right now.

I've been listening to the Glee cover of "Taking Chances" all day...

what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumping off the edge? never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay...



Having more of my detox broccoli arugula soup, and yes that's my application beside it. I feel a lot calmer than I did two hours ago. Having a delicious meal that I made myself just adds to the solid feeling of capability I'm finally getting a grasp of...

Valentine's Day

I know it's a little bit early but...



I am so, so excited for it.

Some people say it's just another holiday created by the greeting card companies but... in the world we live today, couldn't we use a holiday dedicated to love? It's like the opening from Love, Actually:

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

If anything, holidays are a great moment to appreciate the people in your life. "You can appreciate anyone anytime." Yes, but do we? We all get busy, distracted. Holidays are a great opportunity to pause. And Valentine's Day is a moment to pause and to give love. Even when I was single, I still loved Valentine's Day. I spent one year with one of my best friends-- and despite the fact we were single, we weren't miserable. We had a great friendship, and life was still amazing because of that.

Can't wait!!

Gwyneth Paltrow's Broccoli and Arugula Soup

I started the day with room temperature lemon water, and then my usual smoothie. My jaw's still throbbing, and I'm really scared about visiting a new dentist tomorrow. To soothe my nerves I tackled Gwyneth Paltrow's detox broccoli and arugula soup. My friend Jennie actually made some today too, after I showed her the link! I was strangely excited...

But yes, I'm terrified about my appointment tomorrow, and I'm going all by myself. I do have something to cheer myself up with, though! My friend Steven came and dropped by my store, and brought me something that makes me really happy:



ELDERFLOWER WATER AHHH!!!!



Thanks Steven :D

Now I'm off to workout so that I don't sit at my desk trembling with fear all night.

Update: Mario's coming with me to the dentist after all! That makes me feel much better ♥

Rough Day

As Cameron from Modern Family would say, I'm in a really dark space right now.

Just kidding, although today was very taxing.

This morning I woke up feeling a throbbing in my left jaw. I got all four wisdom teeth taken out in October, and three of them have healed normally-- but the fourth one, the impacted one, has been a nightmare. Despite how anal I am about oral hygiene, the fourth one still got infected about a month ago. I had to go get it treated by my oral surgeon who has some of the worst bedside manner I've ever seen...

I remember reading him up on RateMDs.com before, and some people said they felt like guinea pigs being experimented on by a mad scientist. I am inclined to agree.

So my jaw pain brought on emotional pain (trauma) as well as physical pain. Determined to avoid the dentist, I was gurgling hot salt water in a rage all morning and scrubbing at my tooth with a sulca brush, and then pseudo injecting the area with a plastic syringe filled with mouth wash. The pain seemed to go away for a while but is back...


Being a sick turd

The weather was treacherous and I felt like fainting during my shift at Starbucks the whole time. It didn't help that I was late and ran to the store. My lungs and throat couldn't take running through that bitter cold and dry air, and my throat still feels raw and bloody. /tmi


Spaghetti with wild mushrooms, arugula, prosciutto and parmesan.

I finally got home and made myself dinner. I didn't cook with the same enjoyment I normally do--my movements felt robotic. But in the end I did feel better. I guess the action of doing something nice, and something that's entirely for myself was what lessened the edge a bit.



Then I ate three blood oranges, one of my favorite fruits.

I feel like I need to lie down now though. I wish I had fresh cut flowers. Ultimately though, what would make me happy right now is a hug. :( I was good today though, by not letting the physical pain morph into an entirely emotional one. Although the physical pain was definitely taxing enough to wear me down, at least I don't feel entirely lost right now.

Update: lol I went to look up my oral surgeon's bad reviews and I think he had them removed somehow... Now only positive ones are left, except for the most recent one:

"I am not happy with the filling work that was done. not sure why my post was removed."

and

"Very knowledgeable dentist, however sensitivity to patients' feelings and needs to be improved."

Aww, the mad scientist one is gone! :(

Detox down the drain and dreamin' a little dream

On my way home from Starbucks I was listening to Deerhunter's "Basement Scene". Songs like that make me want to slow dance. Work was nice, also because I was visited by Steven, Ramy and Cris.


I am embarrassed (slash not embarrassed at all) to admit that I enjoy this very much. It's in my building's elevator right now.

I finally saw Tangled with Mario today, and it did not disappoint. Lunch was at McDonald's! So much for the pseudo detox... Health really does make me happy though, and it's definitely part of my happiness project. But indulging and not feeling bad about junk food is also part of it.



I'm really excited about McDonald's biscuit breakfast sandwiches. I've heard great things about the Tim Horton's version, and I guess McDonald's is doing this to compete? Either way, Mario said he'd go with me for breakfast this week to compare the two. We'd be "breakfast connoisseurs". :)







I did feel the faintest twinge of guilt over the fact we had a Big Mac meal each, and split a 6-piece nuggets. But we sat by the window and it was sunny and bright, and the Big Mac was just as yummy as I hoped it would be (unlike that Harvey's fiasco the other night). So it was worth it, absolutely.



We came home after and read Calvin and Hobbes together a bit before I had to go to work.



But back to McDonald's-- this is Big Mac sauce in a cup. This is what makes my boyfriend happy. One person's joy is another person's fear.

...Detox? ...Day 3 or something?

So instead of drinking pee i had some monkey poo instead. yum yum yum NOM nom

That's what my boyfriend wrote while I left to get some pineapple from the kitchen.

Today the pseudo detox didn't start off as well, but that's because I had to run out the door this morning instead of spending the day at home. Instead of having a glass of lemon water, then the herbal tea an hour later, and then a smoothie, I downed the lemon water in two goes and then gulped down my smoothie.

It was much better today though,  despite the protein powder. I added spinach to the usual mix and it helped a lot.



Then we went with his family to see Don Carlo (they had it playing at SilverCity, recorded from The Met), which is about five hours... Naturally at intermission we went and got New York Fries. Then for dinner his dad served garlic chicken with a mountain of polenta, which was delicious but definitely not what Gwyneth Paltrow had in mind. Of course, I couldn't resist having an Oreo ice cream sandwich for dessert.


I wasn't supposed to be in the picture...

Sigh, I have no self control. I guess this detox, turned pseudo-detox, will just become healthy eating? I actually tracked my meals today at Livestrong.com to see how bad I was, and I'm actually not far off.

I don't have much longer until my second application for school is due, but I'm trying my best to just enjoy these days off--to relax, and have fun. That's what this year was supposed to be about, it's why I only applied to Starbucks for a job. I only applied to two places: Starbucks, and a non-profit organization. No others. And those are currently the two places I invest my time in.

So now I'm off to watch some Supernatural, and to try to resist a second helping of polenta...

My boyfriend is now trying to convince me to change what I wrote after his pee-ing fiasco, to contextualize it--or to make his satirical wit more apparent. "It sounds crazy!"

Yes, yes it does.