The Future and Being 22

I had reached the point in my worry where it had started to manifest itself physically. I don't mean that I began to have headaches, or even migraines. I had symptoms so bizarre that my cool-as-a-cucumber doctor was amazed. I had symptoms that were supposedly exclusive to those with cystic fibrosis.

And I obviously couldn't continue living like that. So I started thinking. And I got better-- not 100%, but better. I think a lot, too much at times, but I try to be as self reflective as possible. I want to be the best version of myself, always.

(Even now, I just had a pang in my stomach - probably some stress).

Despite my improvement though, I needed further help. My mother and Mario suggested seeing a nutritionist for more naturopathic advice, but I'd like to argue that I eat quite well-- lots of fruit, whole grains, etc.

So late one night recently, I ordered two books from Amazon.ca. One was "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie.

I'm only on Chapter 2, but he talks about accepting the worse: "...acceptance of what has happened is the first step in overcoming the consequences of misfortune." It seems obvious, but it's easy to forget this when one is plagued and boggled by stress.

So here's my situation:

I applied to two schools for graduate studies. It was a stressful process-- and if I did it again, perhaps it wouldn't be so stressful. But as the book quotes David Seabury: "We come to maturity with as little preparation for the pressures of experience as a bookworm asked to do a ballet."

In retrospect I'm sure it will all seem a breeze, but I had already predicted this. It didn't make the present process any easier, because it was all so new to me, and I felt so lost and unguided.

But now that my applications are in, I'm trying to overcome my present anxieties. Laurier has accepted me into their program, but Ryerson has yet to decide. I was incredibly worried over the fact that Laurier was expecting a decision before Ryerson would have made up their mind.

But the worst case scenario is that I will have gotten into one school with an entrance scholarship-- which was actually increased after speaking with the director. It's not that I want to go to Ryerson particularly yet, I haven't honestly decided where I want to go. I know that's not why I'm so worried. I'm worried about the blow to my ego, I'm worried about feeling not good enough. Shouldn't everyone want me?

So I need to overcome this. I think saying it out loud to someone will make me feel better. That'll be my next step. The worst case scenario is far from bad, so hopefully my body will realize this soon enough.

Staying True

Often I've been told to start a YouTube channel, or to write a serious blog. What I mean by serious is that I should be writing about relevant things - things that would attract traffic, like restaurant reviews, etc. And while I certainly have my strong opinions about food, the whole purpose of my happy blog was to not have to worry about what others thought.

I often struggle with finding balance. You obviously have to push yourself in order to grow, and not get comfortable. But at the same time, I don't want to spend my entire life striving for the future. I want to be happy with my present as well. In terms of my career, I try to keep tabs on what I need to get where I want to go. But (and there always seems to be that "but") I'm so young, don't I have my whole life to figure that out? Isn't that the big problem with people in their 20s-- trying to have everything figured out right away? I've been told by my older friends that you try and try so hard, but you never end up where you think you will, so you might as well not kill yourself over it. I'm trying to listen to that advice.



Yesterday was my one year anniversary with Mario. There were many culinary adventures, and part of me thought "Oh I should write about the food in detail. I should practice food writing" and yet, while I love talking about food, I still don't know if I would want a career out of it. And part of me wants to keep our weekend private.

So instead I'm just going to post some of the photo booth pictures we took at a subway station, all the David's Tea I bought (Toasted Walnut, Quangzhou Milk Oolong, Secret Weapon, Organic Pu'erh Ginger, and Fantasy Island), and a book I found while we were looking in the bargain section of Book City.

I'm trying to ask myself "Why am I doing this?" before I act nowadays. If it's purely because I feel obligated to, or for others, then I try my best not to. And so, this is all I'll be sharing for now :)